Beautiful Holland...

We finally got a diagnosis for Jaxton today after weeks of evaluations. His diagnosis is Mild High Functioning Autism. We have kind of known this for a while now but getting an actual diagnosis makes it so much more real. We have had to fight tooth and nail just to get him diagnosed, which is infuriating to me. It should not be this difficult to get a diagnosis and services when 1 in 70 boys (or less) are now autistic. That is HUGE. Knowing what a huge epidemic it is now, there should be SO many services readily available to these kids. But I've already taken matters into my own hands and requested that Jaxton be in preschool 4 days a week instead of just 2. He needs those 2 extra days to help him catch up to his peers. His teacher agreed to it and he will be going 4 days a week now. YAY! There are different therapies the psychologist and I will be doing with him to help him catch up. She explained to me that he will always have autism but with therapy, he can catch up to his peers and it may become hardly noticeable as an adult, depending on how well he does. I don't want to overwhelm him but want to give him every opportunity to flourish that we can. We wanted to tell all of you, our family, about Jaxton's diagnosis in hopes that it will help all of you to better understand our amazing little boy. If you'd like to learn more about what autism IS exactly and how it effects Jaxton, go to: http://www.autismspeaks.org/whatisit/index.php

I came across this beautiful story years ago and never realized how fitting it would become for us. In this story, a lady describes what it feels like to have a child with a disability. It describes so perfectly all of the feelings Josh and I are having right now...

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

by
Emily Perl Kingsley.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

We may be in Holland rather than Italy...but let me tell you... Holland is beautiful, unique, special, and breath-taking.

I will admit that I have had a really hard time coming to terms with all of this. When we first realized how far behind he was, and that there was the possibility of autism, I cried. I cried a lot. I thought about his future and wondered..."will he have friends? Will he get bullied? Will he get through school okay? Will he be able to keep a job? Will he go on a mission? Will he be able to get married and have children?" I want so badly for him to be able to experience the best things of life. I had a really rough time with it all...until someone said this to me and it helped ease my fears: "God sent him to teach us some of the most profound lessons of life. They are lessons most can learn no other way than to love someone for who they are inside and not how "perfect" their shell is." That hit me so hard and made me realize how incredibly blessed we are that we were chosen to take care of this amazing boy. I also spoke to a wonderful guy who has a daughter who is autistic. He emailed this to me...

"A few months before our daughter was diagnosed with autism, I was, as I said, struggling with my feelings and I was praying about it and in my prayers I said something along the lines of how I didn't know what I was supposed to do. The Spirit whispered to me in answer, "All you have to do is take care of her." At that time, I realized that my fears and concerns were not something that I needed to allow myself to be overwhelmed by. That would all sort itself out. And the future would take care of itself. I just had to take care of my daughter. That's all that was expected of me."

Wow, that was so profound to me. Just from reading that, I was able to let ago of some of the fear I had of the future. Jaxton has improved so much socially over the past year and I really think he will be able to catch up to his peers. It will take time...and a lot of work...and lots of love...but I know he can do it. Once I stopped worrying so much about his future, I was then able to just enjoy him. The psychologist said to me today. "Tonia, this is not cancer. This is not a life sentence. Let the professionals take care of getting him the help he needs, and all you need to do is love him and have fun with him. If you are depressed or worried about him, he will pick up on that and he will not progress." So I am going to do just that. We will do what we can to help him and then let it go and just enjoy him. He is very bright and I know that he will completely shock us with the things he will be able to accomplish in this life. I now realize that some of MY dreams for Jaxton may not come true...but he will make his OWN dreams. That is what matters. His happiness means everything to us and I am now willing to let go of those dreams and let him spread his wings. He will do amazing things, I just know it.